Read and believe...

The family and I went to Manila Ocean Park last Sunday. It was one of my eldest's "dreams".. and so as the devoted mother that I am, I gave in to this request.

Here are some of our pictures:


It was fun and was well worth the money. It's 400 for adults and 350 for children. Our little Migsy was exempted 'cause he's below 1 year old and the hubby had a 10% discount 'cause his driver's license shows him as a Manila resident.

As soon as we arrived, the hubby worried that we might get hungry inside. It was early so most of the shops are still closed but Smokey's was about to open. They didn't have anything else but a Jumbo Hotdog Sandwich. And it was nowehere near tasty. Ketchup was a measly red sauce that didn't taste anything like ketchup. You know, those cheap versions they put on the Buy 1 Take 1 burgers? Exactly. But as they say, beggars can't be choosers.

What we saw inside was fascinating. It was nice to see how rich our Philippine waters (yes, 90% of the fishes are from the Philippines) are and that we should really think about its future. Its so sad that right next to MOP is a bay of seawater and garbage.

There were "stages" of the sea inside. And they showcase what we see at what parts of the ocean. We liked the sharks and the mantle rays. And when we rode the Glass Bottom Boat (150php per head), the boatman told us that these sharks and rays are very friendly and are being hand-fed. Here's a picture of a diver feeding them. (Food rations are at 11:00AM and 4:30PM)


To end this entry, here's a pic of my Juju looking very satisfied of this trip :)

I haven't been writing lately. Maybe because of the fact that I have been too busy with work and being a mom. Now my mind's overflowing with ideas on what to write about, that I don't even know where to start.

Let me talk about work. What have I been busy with lately? And how has this affected me and my family.

I'm working at home for a US Real Estate company who outsourced its services from the Philippines, Argentina, Peru and India. Yes, I'm one the lucky ones who don't leave the house, take MRT rides and burn money for "lunch" food. Plus, the fact this job has been the best financially. So I can't complain. I mean, people at work may be cranky and all, but if this pays the bills and buys my baby's milk.. then I'm all for it.

So what exactly do I do?

I am an assistant to the company's CEO. Officially an "alalay"! I schedule meetings, interviews, book flights, pay for bills, look for jetskis, etc. All done virtually.

It gets lonely and quiet at times but at least I get to see my babies sleeping in the same room right? Oh the perks!


Envy me while I go prep for my eldest son's VTR!!! bwahahahaha!!!

A lot has happened.. events, situations, trials, hardships, laughter, tears, heartaches, heartbreaks.. We went through all of these. And we survived it all! The whole nine yards.. years for us!

What's good about our relationship is, even if we have so many differences, our love for each other binds it all. And the many times I feel insecure about myself and my marriage, my hubby would pick up all the shattered pieces of my mess and save the day. He does, even if he doesn't look like it, make me feel secure in more ways than one. So for this year, I wanted to write you a letter dear hubby, and let the whole world (web world, that is) read it.

Dearest Hubby,

Thank you for the 9 wonderful years you've spent with me. Wonderful in spite and despite of everything we've been through. And no matter how many times I tell you that I'm not happy.. Please know that these are just words.. words I use to hurt you at times. But what I truly feel is that I am lucky and blessed that I found you.

Cheers to a hundred more years with you!

I love you with all of me.

Yours,
Bibi

Just this weekend, I got accepted yet again for another homebased job. Pays more than what I currently have and I'm really excited. Thing is, I can't afford to take care of the little one if he decides to cry and feed at night. We can't have his usual early morning crying sessions 'cause I have to be real alert.

The hubby is now talking about moving back in with the inlaws. He saw the difference of how our lives were. The question is, do we always go where it is more convenient? Do we discriminate on people who give us more than less? I hate to admit if this is so. I wasn't raised to be one.

I remember how I felt that day, but only vaguely. It wasn't as clear as when I did last year. Maybe because I've learned to forgive.

This is what I say to myself, now that I have found a new and better life with the inlaws. Indeed, there are ways on how one can heal.. through time. All the hurt and the pain of that incident were almost just a glimpse of a soon to be forgotten past.

Let me refresh my memory.. not that it would turn around the events.

I have been a very understanding piece since I came to realize that there is no other way but this. With all the insults and the trash talk, I endured all of these. Even when the most important part of my whole being was the pride I so truly protect. This was because of love. Love for the man, I never, in my wildest dreams, realize, was the one for me after all. So this was my fate.

Years and years I compromised. Years of wanting to get away from all the "evil" that lurks, from all the madness. I knew it was impossible. If I had the strength to leave, maybe I would've. But I didn't. And I'm glad.

But there comes a time when we realize our being human. We get saturated. By thoughts, frustrations, failures. Overwhelming the depth of our personality. Then it hits. Just like a thunderstorm. No warning. It just does. And then it'll be too late. It'll leave us wishing we were in a different situation, that things didn't happen the way it did.

My point, just like the title said. I gave in. I gave in to what I thought was outrageous. I have forgiven.

Since the hubby and I married, we transfered from 2 houses almost yearly or even twice a year. I guess there are escapists from both my end and the hubby's. If I find something wrong with my family (which is not so hard to do), I'd decide to move out and go to the inlaws. Now if the hubby finds something wrong with his side, we move back again. So its been like pingpong ever since.

I know what you're probably thinking.. the problem is us. I know, I know. I'm mature enough to admit. I just wish that things were different and that we didn't have families living with us anymore, that we live on our own. Its bad enough we have to live with each other considering our differences, now try to multiply the attitude by 10. So its a disaster, ya?

Now that things are not so good at home, I desperately want to go back to the inlaws. But things are different now. We can't just go back like that. There were things that were said and done and no matter how we try to put things back together, there's still something there. And having a homebased job like mine, I can't just transfer to a house without internet and that I'll rely on my prepaid broadband (wifi, that is). Not good.

I hate that we don't have a house we could call our own. Not even a rental. The hubby and I have been married for 6 years and we don't have anything, except for some few things. I hate that things are the way they are. He's an only child and not being able to take care of his 'rents is killing him, I know. I, too, am an only girl which means I have responsibilities to my parents which only a daughter can do.

If things were different, we would have a place we can call our own.

Let time tell when.

The past few days weren't quite good. At least not for me. There's some form of light now though. But I'm still not counting on full recovery.

What made me sane? I bought the Twilight series by Stephenie Meyer. And I'm on my 3rd now. It unleashes the hopeless romantic in me. And for whatever personal reason it may be, I envy the heroine. I cried most of the time while reading it. And yes, for me, it's a good book.

More posts later...

Just when you thought you've got everything covered, something comes up to ruin your day. Well, in my case, yesterday hasn't ended yet. I haven't slept, since I follow both Manila time and Missouri time. Me and my flexi schedule.

You see, I hold my office right in the comforts of our bedroom. When everyone is asleep, I'm the only one awake. This plus the fact that I play mom to my 2 adorable boys (make that 3, the eldest being the hubby). Then come morning. I'm super tired because the boss and I had to call about 50 people on our credit repair list and follow up on them. I went down only because I wanted the "kuya" to have breakfast. Wrong decision. This prompted the mother to pick on me. I don't know if she was feeling lonely, disappointed, or whatever. But I was there. So I was target.

Bulls eye!

She hit me right on the spot. I went up my room crying and picking on everyone else I see, including the hubby. Who by the way, also owes me something. He knows it. Its been long due. And all I get are empty promises WHICH I TOTALLY HATE. So much for education and a chance at a regular job.

I felt as if I couldn't rely on anyone. I still do.

Frustrations.. I has it.

This has been long due. But its worth my time and effort to write about it. For all the wives in the world.

A few weeks ago, we were at my in-laws. One of the neighbors were my mother-in-law's close friend. She became pregnant 2 months earlier than I. Then last December she died while giving birth. My mother-in-law was with her the whole time. She took care of the funeral and almost adopted the neighbor's baby. The husband of this neighbor was in the Middle East working as a nurse. They didn't have enough money during the time of the wake and the funeral, so my mother-in-law lent them, with the promise that the husband will pay when he returns.

7 months passed. The husband came back from the Middle East for a month vacation. And for the child's "Handog" (baptism for their religion). My mother-in-law expecting her money, asked the man. He told her that he has been sending money for the past months as payment. He asked his mother to give 5 thousand per month to my mother-in-law, until its paid in full. So this means, the man's mother got all the money for herself (greedy woman!) and that they can't pay for their debt.

This man, no shame I guess, even had the nerve to ask my mom-in-law to cook for the "Handog", their budget only amounting to 2,500 pesos. (FTW!) And not only that. The reason I'm writing this is because of the fact that this man, only 7 months into his singledom, HAS A NEW GF!!! Now, if I was the wife, I'd make sure I throw all his stuff while he's sleeping and pull the other woman's hair til all of it falls off. He said they met a few months ago and that he fell in love, that it was like nothing he ever felt and that he feels she's his SOULMATE!!! Now this man, has no conscience at all. No heart. No shame. No soul!

Naturally, I asked the hubby. (Some insecure feeling came over me knowing that THIS could actually happen) He feels the same way I do, thank God.

TO THIS MAN: I hope you know what you're doing, making your children call the new girl MOMSIE and brainwashing them that this woman looks better than their biological mother. I hope you live a long life while your dead wife haunts you and that woman til you can't take it anymore. I hope you grow a conscience and a soul.

TO THE WIFE : I know I wasn't able to go to your funeral but I truly wish you the happiness you truly deserve together with our Lord. That you may forgive all who's done you wrong and that you continually guide your children and make them not forget who their REAL mother is.

TO MY HUBBY : Thank you for reassuring me of the love you feel -- for me and the kids. Please make sure, that if I leave you in this world, you'll find happiness whatever it takes but never forget me and NEVER tell or make my children forget who I am. Tell them I will always love them and guide them wherever they are and whatever they do. That I am always proud of who they are and who they will become. I say this because you'll never know. (The wife I was talking about was as healthy as a bee and she left us)

TO MYSELF : Dear self, may you always show the love you have for your husband, children and family. Remember that we only borrowed this life from the Creator. And that gifts like children, husband and love from everyone else are gifts we should treasure and cherish while we're still alive.

Ever since I was a child, I've always wanted to sing. I remember my mom recording my singing voice for the first time at 2years old. I think I lost the tape. =(

On my fourth grade in school, I joined Glee Club (yeah, it took me that long before I shared my so-called talents). I don't remember much, other than doing vocal exercises everytime.

The next best thing was when I reached Highschool. Though I did not pass the auditions for Glee Club, I was welcomed by a much better family, The Lit Choir (Liturgical Choir). During voice classification, I remember them saying that I had a wide range but would be more apt for the Alto voice.

Then I joined our Parish choir. There were a lot of groups who sang but were scheduled on different days at different hours. I joined because I had a crush on the keyboardist then. (yeah, guilty!) I had a lot of really good experience with this group. The age range of the members were 14 - 60. The young generation entertained while the "veterans" were the ones in charge of feeding the rest. I had fun while it lasted. Late night rehearsals, inter-parish/inter-city competitions, caroling in December, and so much more.

Then came college. I auditioned for the College of Science Glee Club and got a part. I even remember my audition song. It was You On My Mind by SOS and Nandito Ako, the Lea S. version (they required one english song and one tagalog). Then we had to sing Lupang Hinirang a capella and had to listen to notes and sing them after. This was the best part of college for me. I enjoyed all the ups and downs, the trials and victories, the heartaches and friends I earned.

When I met the hubby (in another college), the singing stopped. I just didn't feel like singing anymore or maybe because there were other things to take care of.

Now, after 10 years, I know I miss my music and all I have is my Magic Sing to belt out my songs with. (I had to beg the hubby to bring me to Raon to buy it a lower price.. LOL)

I haven't been the lil' goody two shoes for work recently. There are days when I just feel out or just plain lazy. It's frustrating also that I'm working nights yet I have to be up by noon. Then there are days when the little one decides to wake up at 1am then sleep at 5am. So much for 4 hours of NO MONEY!!! Not to mention, make-up stories for the boss there.

Yesterday, I received an email, an interview invitation for a part time teaching job (thanks bestfriend for the info) which I hope to get.. for that extra moolah. Now, since my phone's been suspended (well, sue me for the late payment, why don't you? -- is it my fault that phone banking's not working and that I'm too lazy to line up?), I don't have access to text messaging (I prefer the no-talk method) to set up an appointment with them. I'll probably email them that I'll go this Wednesday, so I'll have time to prep (and yes, stress) myself prior.

If you're asking.. where is London in the picture? To tell you honestly, I'm at the point where I don't want to do anything about it. First because I don't want to leave the kids and the hubby. And then there's the money aspect. I can't leave if I don't have money right? It's what makes the world go round, they say. (LOL)So the decision, I leave to fate. If the winds bring me to London, then so be it.

Yesterday, I went with the hubby and the in-laws to bring the hubby's uncle to the airport, leaving for Papua New Guinea. He's been doing that for a couple years now. And every year, he spends about a month vacay here at PI. I assumed that it was just a normal no-nonsense thing that we're bringing him to the airport. But it was overwhelming when I saw him say goodbye to his family, wife and son. It was touching, yes. And it brought tears to my eyes. (Sheesh!) But if you were there to witness, you would too I guess. He's a really built big man and never shown any sign of weakness. Now, I know that built or image has nothing to do with emotions. All mecry. Now, there's another reason why I'm hating the idea of London. Or any other country aside from where my family's at.

This afternoon, I had a one-on-one moment with the little boy. I still feel that he's not well. Not as well as I'd like him to be. That he needs my constant attention. I fear that I don't know how I can be the best for him. That I lack skills at being his mother. It was different when I had the eldest. I cried again. =(

I wish I had more strength to do things.

This past weekend, me and the fam, went to my in-laws. It was for the hubby and the daddy in-law's combined bday celebs.

Saturday night, was the videoke slash "inuman" slash rice cake preparation time. It took a lot of time before the hubby and her cousins figured out how to set up my magic sing on the TV and home theater system. And by the time they were finished, my voice was done too. Imagine an airy and low volume voice belting out All By Myself. Not so good. So I go watch my mom in-law make the rice cakes they call patupat (Ilocano version of suman). Its made up of glutinous rice with coco milk and salt (no sugar because I'm diabetic), slowly cooking on charcoal. Then they wrap it on banana leaves, shape it into cones, then cook them again submerged on water. It was like being in Ilocos all over again. Everybody packed up at around 1am, but after only 15minutes of sleep, the baby woke up and decided it was time to play with mommy. What am I to do? So much for that much needed sleep and rest. Come morning, I went out of the room at 6am and had coffee. Mom in-law and her yaya went to the market to buy shrimps and crabs (yum!!!). It was an all day preparation for the celeb. We had heaping servings of shrimps cooked in Sprite and leeks, crabs with coco milk, crispy pata, kilawin at kalderetang kambing. Heaven!

There were a few not-so-good instances like losing 1thousand hard-earned bucks. (My mom in-law suspects its her yaya) Then there was the dancing and choreographed parts during mass where the hubby and I felt so out of place. Imagine raising our hands in time for Our Father, only to find out that the mass goers of this church had other choreography in mind. I said to the hubby.. this might be a cult of some sort and the Catholic mark is just a facade. Maybe. Maybe not. Then there was the issue with me and this little girl cousin of the hubby. A really kulit 10-year old who decides its fun to hit me with a twisted hankerchief. I got the best of this sitch though. And don't tell me I didn't warn her. I specifically said.. Pumapatol ako sa bata. Then I locked the door. (evil laugh)

I get bitchy like that. It was revenge for the eldest too. She was always picking on the eldest so I guess whatever I did served her right. Bwaha!

Now its back to work days. Hate it. Especially when I get an email from the boss questioning the hours I put in my timesheet/invoice. I should ask for more! He's got an all-around in me. Aside from being his assistant, I get to be a graphic designer for his flyers too y'know.

Just an update: There's another London opportunity that came this Friday. This time, I will be with the hubby. Still don't know yet but looks like fate's taking me there.

Sunday was our fam day. We just went to a nearby mall to attend mass, have lunch, and roam around. Upon reaching a pet shop, the eldest asked me if we could buy a rabbit, a hamster, a bird.. just one or all three. He's been asking me this for about a month now, since he saw colored birds being peddled in front of his school. I wanted to give in, but I knew that he wouldn't really take care of them. He just enjoys having a pet, y'know what I mean? So I just told him... Let's go to Toy Kingdom. =)

I used to have a pair of abyssinian cavies as pets. But like the eldest, I was just fascinated. I named them Abby and Cavy. They died after a couple of months. =(

On another note.. As soon as finances catch up, I'll bring the kids (and the hubby) to Avilon Zoo in Rodriguez, Rizal.

By the way, we need a mate for our little kitteh.. the siamese Missy. Open for suggestions but definitely not variations. LOL

Why is everything so damned right now?

Naturally, because of everything that's happened yesterday, I AM NOT FEELING WELL. So I end up smoking lots and lots today, eating what's not allowed (pinoy sausages which are 60% sugar, 40% fat), and not sleeping.

But it gets worse. When I went down to have some lunch with the fam (I was thinking of getting out of my cave to MAYBE clear my mind off things, since the boss was being unrealistic as to my goals at work -- Yes, I'm surrounded with stressors! Lucky me!), halfway through my meal, the mom starts to talk AGAIN about saving water, electricity and whatnots. That we ought to be punished for using stuff around the house. Like the shower! Imagine! (Next thing she'll be asking us is to use used water for drinking! Damnit!) I know, I know. Her being unemployed and almost without money is now getting on her nerves. I should know, it gets on mine too.

And yes, the list for stress goes on. The topic of having my eldest son's notebooks and books being water-damaged resurfaced. My grandma, not knowing what its about, gave unsolicited opinion of things. Making me more stressed than ever, if that is even possible. I do what I can do a a mother. I take care of things. Look at the books and notebooks, to which I find out, the book where we answered some questions yesterday as his assignment, WAS NOT BROUGHT TO SCHOOL TODAY! I asked the maid who takes care of these things. Naturally, she says she doesn't FUCKING know! WTF??!!! The problem with our maids, is that it's either they have this lack of common sense or unwanted proactive-ness. Mind you, this is not the first time. (Imagine throwing all the boxes for cellphones, PSPs, MagicSing, important papers, and some other stuff away while I was at the hospital?? And no, I didn't ask them to. But anyway, that should be for a different post.)

What am I to do? Take a break at 6am in the morning from work, send my son to school, go back to finish work, then pick him up after?? I have 2 sons!!! The youngest, wakes up at 4am and is up til about 6am. I will lose my job if this goes on. Don't get me wrong, I take care of them every chance I get. I don't sleep. And if I do, I don't get enough. Damnit! I should just be their mother and not think about things like getting extra job to pay for bills and debts.Why do I bother paying hard-earned money to househelp, who is FUCKING killing me for their stupidity. No! I'm not being discriminative. I just need to rely on people! 'Cause I can't do everything myself!

I don't even have someone to share this with. I don't think anybody reads this blog anyway.

I'm such a loser! A stressed out loser.

I was watching House 2 awhile ago. And this is just bulls-eye:

"You love me but you don't trust me."

I wanted to write something last night but was at loss for words. Until this morning.

What do you do when the past keeps haunting you? What if you can't move on? What if a single thing that reminds you of what was, would ruin everything you've worked for just to keep yourself away from that memory? I ask this because I don't know the answer. I may have suggestions but it does not apply to everybody else. The fact that there is that promise of a future, should be enough to let you stand guard and protect what you have become to the evil of remembering. You just swallow and accept the fact that this happened and there's nothing you can do about it. But there is tomorrow, and that is more important than what you had yesterday because that will make you better or worse.

I know we all have our ups and downs but I don't think that it's healthy when you have both in intervals of just hours. I mean, as a person, you still need to recuperate from the bad things and take in all that's positive from the good. When you don't have time to do this, you break down.

Yes, my speaking as a third person is part of my denial that this is reality for me.

I still believe I deserve better.

Respect, for starters. Then trust. And no, love is not enough.

The London thing might not go through after all. The hubby and I talked about it, and we decided against it. For so many reasons at that. What made me decide was when the hubby, not a fan of emo, was being sentimental and asked me.. no, begged me, to stay.

Earlier, I told him I'm not going. And there was this revelation:

Me: I don't think I'll go.
Hubby : Yeah, don't. You know what, when we were talking about you going away, I was thinking, as long as you're here, I'll show you how much I love you...
(awww....)

So yeah, I won't go. Should I say why not?

How to Improve Our World
by Tiffany Amortizado

The world consists of many things. The land, the sea, the air, the people. To save our world is a cliche many of us have heard but no one dared try. But in this day and age, where most of us experience the wrath of the Earth, from tsunamis, to earthquakes, from typhoons to drought; we ought to think twice. Here are a few suggestions on how you, as a resident of this planet, can contribute to its improvement:

1.) Assess yourself. Have you been nice to people around you? Do you help those in need? Or were you too greedy to even care? As people, we need to reform ourselves too. It is in us that we can start this change. The better people who dwell, the better stewards of the Earth. Agree?

2.) Be a minimalist. If you don't need it, don't use it, don't buy it. The more junk we put in our lives, the more junk we contribute to the world.

3.) Go organic. If we don't use toxic materials, the companies who make them will eventually stop producing these chemicals, thus, a healthier lifestyle + healthy Earth = happy, long life

4.) Reuse, Reduce, Recycle. Enough said.

5.) Share. A seat, a ride, food, etc. This will not only win you more friends but also save on things like gas, water, energy.

6.) Information dissemination. Encourage others to do this too. Join groups, or better yet, form them. Tell people on how we should preserve the Earth as we know it. While we still have time. Now its global warming, who knows what's next.


These are just some of the steps we as people, can take towards a better, happy home. Think about this: What will become of our children, when the day comes that our world will not provide them food, air, and water? It's worth a try.

My Plurk


I find this VERY amusing.

The hubby and I went on a date. =) Yay!

First we went to Tiendesitas and ate at Charcoal Roasted Coffee ( I'm not sure about the name. I'm quite tipsy from today's activities.) The hubby had Caramel Iced Coffee and I had Hot Choco SUGAR FREE!!! Whoopee! And there was focaccia with quesong puti (white cheese) and olive oil. Verdict : Yum!

Love my sugarfree Hot Choco... And Marlboro Lights... sinful!

Then we went around and found so many stuff I want for our future house. I was picking them and telling the hubby to buy this and that for me. LOL.


One of our pictures ... hubby looking handsome (he made me do it!) and me like an african woman!

I guess the hubby didn't like the crowd. We were supposed to have dinner and some drinks after but settled to go somewhere else. Before we did, I had to fulfill my duyan craving. We sat in one of those wooden swings they had all around Tiende. We took pictures of course.


                                                                             See the happy face?
                                                                                                                                      






















The hubby while waiting for his order and chatting nonchalantly.

















So where did we end up? At Pelangi Bar and Restaurant in Pioneer. We had beer, lechon kawali, (fried pork),  chicken liver barbecue, meatball soup (it was more of squidball soup) and sisig, which by the way had 80% veggies. So aside from the good ole entertainment (there was a guy singer singing James Taylor and some acoustic mellow songs) and beer, we enjoyed the night because it was OUR night. We talked about people from our past and how we transformed as time went by.


2 SMB Light with Marlboro Lights, ashtray and fork... light??? =)

It was nice to hear him say he loves me. And the fact that I was the one who broke his heart. ( I didn't like him when he first courted me)


We requested 3 songs from the singer onstage. He sang one. Leaving on a Jet plane. I was teary eyed when he did. I listened to the lyrics. Leaving your family proves to be one of the biggest trials in ones life. We had plans already on how to communicate when I get there. But I know that when that day comes, when I'll be at the airport waving goodbye to the family I'll leave, these preparations won't be enough to console us.

Our day ended with me being a bit tipsy (I only had one beer) and the hubby sleepy (he had about 8 I think).

Reminder: the writer is dizzy so please forgive the errors in grammar , coherence and spelling, if any.

I hope to have another one of these nights before I leave. I'll miss the hubby and the kids.

I am waiting for my employer's call. And further instructions. This is what he had to say in his last email, which made me both sad and happy.

Hello tiffany,

                From what you said,i am  meant to understand that you are a great person and i will like to work with you.Your story was quite touching and i will only promise you one thing that i am not going to give away this job to anybody else apart from you.

                 I am going to give you a call later and we are going to talk about you relocating to United Kingdom and working for and i hope that is okay with you.Take good care of your family and may the good lord be with you.

 

Thanks and Godbless

**name withheld for security purposes

 

I know that this means I am employed. That it's sure. But it also means I'm leaving my 3 boys. Sad, sad. Happy, happy. Sad, sad. ... okay... Crazy!

 

This is what awaits me in London.